Own Your Own Story (Dr. Jen Fit)

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Today’s episode of Hope to Recharge is sponsored by DBT Path and by https://Betterhelp.com/hopetorecharge.

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Two years ago, I talked to Dr. Jen about preparing for crises on this episode. About a year after that, Jen met the love of her life while in the midst of a very sudden, very public breakup. Today, she joins me from their honeymoon to speak about her healing journey.

Jen shares how her close friends, family and even her own body had been trying to alert her to the unhealthiness of her romantic relationship, but she had not been willing to listen. Even when her intuition said something was not right, she could not find a logical reason to feel that way, so she stayed. She kept hoping it would turn out like she dreamed. It wasn’t until after the relationship ended that she realized most of the problems they were having stemmed from differing core values. It wasn’t that either one of them was a good or bad person at the fundamental level.

I asked Jen specifically here today to share with us her secret to not blaming the other person in a broken relationship and not focusing on explaining what they did to cause this pain; but rather to own your own story and keep moving towards healing. The most important thing to realize is, “This has nothing to do with me. This is their story. Those were their choices. And now, I get to choose how I respond to them. And I will act within my core values, even if the other person went totally against them.”

Jen was also able to recognize that just because one person had made choices that didn’t align with her values and had hurt her very deeply didn’t mean that everyone in the world would do the same. If she was able to live by her values, that meant that someone else out of 7 billion must be able to live by those values as well. She could find someone different who was actually a good match for her; there was no need to settle for someone who would not connect to her at the core.

Jen met her new man dancing at a club at a physical therapy conference. They connected quickly. He has been able to recognize that when she is triggered, it has nothing to do with him. He can focus on supporting her instead of being hurt by her hurt. They are both coming into this relationship knowing that neither of them is perfect, and they need to be willing to work through their frustrating times. Rather than follow conventional wisdom, Jen chose to go into this new relationship with authenticity and honesty. Together, they have quickly bonded and built a business in the midst of a chaotic year.

One therapist Jen worked with, encouraged “anger expression”. In an exercise, women were able to acknowledge and express how angry they were feeling and say all the angry words they wished they could say to the person that hurt them. It’s not about hurting the other person or getting revenge; it’s about releasing and expressing one’s emotion. Anger isn’t necessarily a bad emotion; it’s what we do with it that matters. Bottling it up doesn’t help because it is a deep feeling that is there for a reason, and using it to hurt others or focusing on it in a way that drags you down is not good for anyone. The negative energy needs to be released to make space for the positive.

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As we all know, sharing can help others. We are here to support each other and to learn from each other. In mental health, Together is better.

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Connect with Jen:
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Quotes:

“I see this beacon of light sometimes that shimmers. And so I know it’s possible that we could get to this beautiful relationship that I know I would feel so good about. And we hold onto that, that possibility rather than seeing the reality of what it is in front of us.” @DrJenEsquire @MatanaJacobs #HopetoRecharge

“No one ever listened to me and we were just clashing and it was so painful because I just didn’t feel a belonging and a lot of, and I always say this that if relationships would see that [their core values are clashing] before it comes tumbling down there wouldn’t be so much hate and resentment and pain.” @MatanaJacobs #HopetoRecharge

“…not by blaming, but by owning and moving forward from healing” @DrJenEsquire @MatanaJacobs #HopetoRecharge

“We’re still both open to holding this space for each other to do the work. That’s what’s so important– knowing that we’re coming into a relationship not perfect; we’re coming into a place that we both have work to do.” @DrJenEsquire @MatanaJacobs #HopetoRecharge #HopetoRecharge

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Topics Discussed:

Healing from unsuccessful relationships
Finding other people with core values similar to yours
Releasing anger
Replacing negative energy with positive
Journaling

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Suicide Hotlines:

USA: 1-800-273-8255
USA Crisis (Text): 741-741
Canada: 1-833-456-4566
United Kingdom: 116-123
Australia: 13-11-14
International Suicide Hotlines:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

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